This isn’t your normal blog post on love and lust magic. I did contemplate placing a sample ritual of each version but since I am still trying to make sense of so much of this I felt a better approach would be an allegorical approach from my own history with magic and being sensitive. This is, I hope, going to be therapeutic.
I don’t think I have ever really shared with you all how it was I ventured out in to the practice of magic and eclectic witchcraft in particular?! Well, as always there was a guy! He went to school with me and he came out first. I remember feeling like it was an odd him coming up to me after school, for one reason he NEVER used his locker which was beside mine; and for another he only ever spoke to me in passing up until this point. Heck, last I really recalled interacting with him was to accidentally pick up on the vibes between him and another girl in class!
Anyway, this guy, let’s call him “A”, just comes out as being gay at our lockers once everyone had left. I’d been bullied so bad I needed counselling in primary school I’m not above saying I was so very paranoid that this was a set up. Somehow we managed to get beyond the undoubtedly mutual paranoia and started hanging out. A few of his friends were eventually told to but he certainly spent months “out” before me. The reason was that I wanted to know what being gay meant. Its one thing to know you’re attracted to the same sex but another to figure out how you want to be both yourself and gay! This is especially difficult when society tells you what gay is meant to be.
“A” and I had another secondary identity burgeoning – he was dabbling in witchcraft and I was interested in Wicca and magic. He was so much a part of these two secret worlds for me. Especially when we started sleeping together. At the time I told myself I was just experimenting and not emotionally invested but I was a teenager so of course emotions and sex feature strongly together. “A” asked me at the time if I wanted to be his boyfriend but something instinctual told me “NO”…now my psychic sensations from childhood had gone into the background so I didn’t assume this might have been something more than just an instinct. In any event I said no to a relationship but yes so sex – I told myself I was protecting myself and being in charge of my sexuality, and he was clearly content with this!… Wasn’t he?!
Things turned sour as friendships and relationships often do. Part of this was the flack he was enduring for coming out whereas even out I seemed to be liked. Truth was I was protected by my uncle owning the only off-licence in town at the time and working there at weekends, guys that were jerks in school were my best friends at the weekend. Naturally, I took delight in wielding power and saying no to them but “A” had so such mental reserve. Dabbling in witchcraft and magic should have given him power over others and if most magical practitioners are honest with themselves its a huge part of the attraction for many magical practitioners.
One of the biggest regrets I have was getting angry with him for “breaking up” with me and lying about me was using magic to hurt him. I had the curse uttered before I even knew what I’d done. I know it had an effect because I could see him mucking up his other friendships and pushing people away. I’d wanted him to feel as alone as I did (or more aptly how I’d felt before having any friends in town).
“A” moved away after ditching me. I don’t know what happened but a few weeks or months later he came back to town and sure enough we’d bump into each other EVERYWHERE! I could not get away from this guy and everytime I saw him I was overcome with loneliness and anger over what he’d done and it would re-trigger things for me, and I gather that further fed into the curse. I remember reading Fiona Horne’s big book and flicking to the page on “Hexcraft” or “Bitchcraft” – not my fault someone had broken the spine to that page! Anyway, she explained that part of working curses or hexes can be tying you to the person – a-ha!
I had to learn to let go of the anger and break the curse this way. It took some time. Eventually I learned to let go and started feeling better in myself as time went on and sure enough I stopped bumping into “A” around town. A few years later he did make a big thing about astral projecting into my dreams but he’d taken some ‘shrooms’ to make it happen and I was in a bad space dealing with some college related stuff (honestly a story for another day!).
Since Fiona Horne’s advice had worked so well in fixing what I’d done to “A”, I decided that I still wasn’t ready for love but she had a funky “Condom Spell” that really seemed a sneaky way to make condoms cool to carry with you but meant also recognising that sex can be fun. I didn’t want to regress as a gay man and had so many questions about what my body liked and what other guys liked to do and so a lust spell that targeted no one but focused on my well-being seemed like a legit direction.
I found a pink candle and inscribed it as the ritual recommended and placed the condom beneath it to drawn in the energy for the lust ritual. I remember this as being my second attempt at candle magic and fascinated with the colours and visualisation side of magic.
Anyway, I found myself hooking up with a lot of guys. I was 17 years old by now so still quite young and never sure what it was I was looking for since my ritual was just at finding the opportunity for sex (I went off books from Horne’s advice on this). I had a bi/closeted guy that used to bully me in Sligo, and then older guys and none of them very full-filling after awhile. Clearly Lust Magic was not the way forward so I stopped and tried to curtail my hormones now.
Love Magic (Part 1):
I decided to show a little restraint with magic around this point. I figured when it came to helping me find a nice boyfriend I was either at home or when I started in my course I was working at weekends and the course was 40 hours per week so I had no time. Don’t get me wrong I had time for sex, I mean I was at college even if it wasn’t university and my primary degree.
I felt strongly at the time I needed to allow a natural connection between myself and another guy. Trouble was Sligo was again not the right place for me to be an out gay man nevermind a sex-positive guy.
At least now I was prepared for a love connection even if I wasn’t going to use magic, right?
University came around and I thought a couple of times I might have started something. More often than not my wild-child days had a stronger hold than I’d wanted to give it credit for because I didn’t know how to date or start to let down the guards. After everything with “A” and with “closet guy” I’d fallen in with a group in the west of Ireland who held events but it was all older guys or an impenetrable clique of younger guys who clearly didn’t like me because I’d been brought in by one of the older guys. I suspect I was known as “his boy”.
This was tougher to let go off than I’d realised. So I focused on making friends in the uni’s LGBT Society. I even became elected to the presidency in my first year! Once I was President of the Soc shagging or dating new members was out of the question – no really the Soc rulebook wouldn’t allow it! So celibacy was par for the course for me. Around this time I was initiated into the Magical Order of the Aurora Aurea (MOAA) so it started to take up much of my time.
Love Magic (Part 2):
Flash-forward to two years ago, I had ended my celibacy and started sleeping around again but it was still too much of the old-patterns of behaviour and needed to stop.
I was working on my pre-Wicca training and I was getting some flashes of a lover in my near future. I wasn’t exactly sure when or where I would meet this guy. I felt like I would be back home but I never said anything to anyone, I did share that I thought I might have a liaison with someone else before I met this guy. Believe me I really felt like one of those fair-ground fortune-tellers telling myself all this, and maybe because those are the figures people associate with clairvoyance and clairsentience thats how we process the information we see/hear or sense?
By now I have noticed the trend for being slightly amorous and lusting after sex is generally followed by a desire for companionship. In the last year I have attempted to date three guys – the first was messing with my head in a big way, I fully understand that this was not his intention but at no point when he sorted himself out did he try to offer any apology for treating me like dirt. Suffice to say we never really dated, so the next guy I really tried to see my vision come through even though he looked nothing like my vision. And honestly, I faked my feelings well. Most of my family and friends thought I liked him more but I still had that feeling like with “A”. He was aggressive and could be controlling in small minute ways. Perhaps, it was nerves with him too but after him getting upset when I had some bad news and not really knowing how to check in with me I decided to call time on this one. I definitely could have handled it better but my energies were a mess.
With guy no.3, I was circling around his Grindr profile for a week or so. I talked myself out of tabbing in to chat because I wanted to leave Grindr and focus on my college work. Until *ping* or *scrunchy sound* he messaged me. We chatted and I just so happened to be doing a Tarot reading, so when he asked what I was doing I just said ‘doing a reading’. My plan was if a negative reaction go fob it off as a typo and say I was reading for college. But I had a sense. Aside from the shaved head he didn’t look exactly like my vision but we arranged to meet for coffee in Sligo.
The date went really well, turned out he was a witch too. This was promising because even if not in my Tradition or in MOAA he could be sympathetic to the time it takes up. Turned out he’d done a spell to meet someone with the same “interests”. We struggled to find time to meet – neither of us driving and with him working a new and demanding job. Despite this I really liked him. We went on a few dates – not many with his schedule and the poor weather and my getting sick.
I remember telling another witch-friend of mine who counselled me to be cautious with love spells as they tended to be messy in her opinion. I remember thinking that all the Wicca 101 books used to caution the same so I was a bit peeved at this advice coming in when I’d found a really good guy more or less on the same wave-length. Hindsight I should have copped that my friend usually only says things like that when she senses something up.
Just before New Years’ I got a Facebook message while out with a friend of mine. Yes it was that type of message and it was over Facebook too. I knew then that I’d been ignoring my instincts with him as well. This had been coming a while. I’d seen him online meeting friends when he’d been too busy at work for me (honestly, don’t know why because everyone has friends that need some TLC too so the fib was completely unnecessary) but I’d also noticed him on Grindr and I had just told myself, “Hey, I’m on Grindr too, maybe he’s deleting spambots too”. I knew it was a lie to myself, I could sense him due to the spell connecting us. He was searching for something.
Now, I feel that I should explain that I am a firm believer in setting a person free. Don’t try and control everything but this was starting to hurt. I’d left him to see if he wanted to meet again he seemed like he did and then *BOOM* the Facebook message arrives.
What Have/Can I Learn from these experiences?:
Of the five guys I’ve mentioned here there are others with another element of the overall story and of course these guys have their own truths. It is not my intention to paint them as villains. I made missteps in each of my interactions too.
- In “A’s” case, I failed to trust him and with that he learned that he could not trust me either. I used him when I should have tried to talk to him more.
- In “closeted guy’s” case, I jumped into bed with him without knowing who he really was and this meant that I was too focused on sex and not on whether I really wanted or needed that after everything with “A”. I was still hurting.
- With the group mentioned, I had already started telling myself I wasn’t worthy of love or a meaningful connection.
- ‘Guy no.1’ – we’d dated before I went back to college and I felt an intense connection. He rejected me for his ex, so when he said he wanted to get back together last year and then dropped me I ignored the signs that night! For one I seized really badly but also when he decided to say this he was jealous of another guy I’d been with previously giving me attention. It was never about me.
- ‘Guy no.2’ – straight forward enough once more I lied to myself but worse I lied to everyone else. At least after Guy no.2’s thing I was not being given a choice to listen to my feelings on this one.
- ‘Guy no.3’ – like ‘guy no.1’, no.3 had a lot on his plate when I showed up. If I were asked why would his spell bring us together for such a short time I don’t think I would be angry about it. I am upset with being dumped by messenger but not that he came into my life. I’ve had a look at my life and I have fallen into a rut and no.3’s been able to help me see that the way things are can’t continue.
Moral of the Story: I am still learning and growing. Both in practice of magic and listening to my intuition/sensitivity and as an individual.