This is a derivation from the main intention of this blog. I was recently in a discussion with a counsellor friend over some drama and essentially my sense of apathy over some aspects of my life. As most of my readers will be aware of my penchant for past insights. I needed to take 9 months off college to recharge my batteries. I’d had essentially a burnout. I repeated my Leaving Cert in order to get into college and even then I got in on the basis I had a seizure during my Math’s exam. This didn’t bode well as I’d really wanted to “get over” having epilepsy.
When my aunt sent me a copy of a newspaper article it really sounded like a gift from heaven. Training for Success was a Fás funded and Brainwave course held in IT Sligo. When I showed up some of us were made to feel really welcome by the course facilitators. One of which would pick some out of the class of 12 to be her favourites. After a week or so one of the girls arrived late and took an instant dislike to me on the basis of my orientation. She outted me to lecturers and basically tried to make my life a living hell. When I was nominated as Class Rep the course leaders insisted on “extra” roles for me to full-fill with regard to the ever increasing rows between class members. 12 months passed and in that time I met people that were anti-gay unless you were behaving like Graham Norton and then there were neurotic people claiming to be bi-polar when they were just reading off a website. It was like being different had defined everyone there and then once they were all the same they needed something else to make them different.
Once that course ended I took time off and visited friends but there was no release as more or less straight away I got back into college life in UL. Though this time I managed to get involved with Out in UL the LGBT Soc and delighted to meet other people that perhaps not so neurotic about being different. First Year went well I even got nominated to be President of the Soc in the second Semester. Running a Society like Out in UL is not easy and even after all the sh1t from TFS I barely managed. I was burning out but far too stubborn to admit it. There were events and emails and meetings with loads of groups to organise. Eventually things came together but I’m afraid wasn’t my doing. It didn’t help that some people got jealous and attempted to sabbotage some of the events Out in UL held.
When I had to go on Co-op or paid work experience to Hertz Rental Cars in Swords, County Dublin I was still working on the site and towards the end things became really sour like I’d said. This was becoming a trend and had dragged on two years in total. It became clear that as well as her new mentors the Admin still allowed the culprit that asked for the money on again. Eventually the Admin kicked me off the forum and we parted ways once and for all. I was trying my best to pretend I didn’t care but I did but I couldn’t keep giving to a friendship so one sided. I later found out that she’d disclosed some personal information to another friend of mine she’d been introduced to which caused some friction. It was clear that my association to this site and this person was going some harm.
Burned out from a crap job and lack of social life mixed with a nasty seizure in Dublin I left quite happy was all over and vowed not to get involved with any of thing like an online pagan community again. Well I sort of kept my promise when a friend from Swords invited me to help organise a regular holistic event in Swords. It was intended to be for charity but given the dip in the economy we decided that well people could make something for themselves as healers and card readers and we’d ask for 10% for Jazmin. This person promised me from the onset we’d look into setting up a committee once the event took off. Several months passed and nothing came of this and he would ignore or wave away my requests to see financial details since the previous event. Discussing it with trained professionals it was clear that my involvement was most noticible and that I’d be held accountable for the finances since I was the website designer. After some ignored emails and texts to try and remedy the situation I closed the site down and texted all the therapists.
This was my latest shame in just a year and a half. Both for the forum which received acclaim from members for it’s discussions and for the website which people far and wide loved the unique nature of. I guess that with all the recent conflicts between some groups of friends I was reminded of these past hurts, as I say this is merely detoxing them again as I have a lot going in my favour.