Thoughts on Love

I should explain some things to any new followers in the shadows. I have epilepsy and while I think I have always managed this fairly well there have been moments when I was was seriously down about my own body betraying me. Last summer I was on work placement in Dublin and I had some pretty bad seizures where I spent two hours on the bathroom floor unable to move for fear of hitting my head of the tiles. I was by myself. Alone. When I finished my placement, which only made the seizures worse but I needed to finish it as a part of my course, I went home and broke down to my parents saying I couldn’t face going back to college. The previous year before I had had full tonic-clonic seizures in my room which was around the same time, but I didn’t say this to my parents I simply said I wanted to home. What I meant was that I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t think there’s anything more frightening for a person in a seizure than being alone when it happens.
It wasn’t until around November of last year that someone working at a holistic fair predicted that I would meet someone in April or May of this year. I knew myself that such a prediction lacked any grounding because I had no social life. I was avoiding it all. The period this person gave me came and went and I didn’t meet anyone. Not a sinner but I started to wonder what a relationship with me would entail for the other person. I mean I’d run straight back to mammy and daddy which I’d previously fought so hard not to do. Also with so much time to myself I began to start reminising about my past romantic entanglements and realized that I hadn’t very strong feelings of my own for most of them, though I did have strong ties to them all. I’d spent a long time cleansing my aura at this stage.
Recently, I have found myself considering Love again. I don’t want to shut down to love. Heck I’m a hopeless romantic; flowers, chocolate, the works! After so long getting myself on track emotionally I didn’t really want to have to open to be hurt again. From a Craft-perspective I have had exes using bindings and hexes and while most of these loose momentum or flatout don’t work they do have an effect when people who claim to care about you to so readily hurt you. To be honest the ones that hurt the most weren’t even using magick or involved in magick at all really.
It would be so easy to hide in a cocoon, me versus the outside world. But I don’t want to be bitter and I clearly don’t want to alone. I began to seek within myself what love is and what it means to me, hopefully I would find why I keep attracting relationships (I use the term generically by the way) that are so unhealthy for me. I did a working at Bealtaine where I sought to rejuvenate my social life and to help bring love into myself. My social life took some reinforcing so I joined a gym to get me out meeting people. Which also worked because I found myself able to go to Dublin Pride Parade 2009. It seems that it had all worked nicely as envisioned. While out in Dublin I was eyed up a few times but nothing happened and can’t say that I met Mr Right.
I’ve lost track of the amount of workings I’ve done looking for a boyfriend. I guess another sign that things come full circle as this is where I started out from when I first started the Craft. I’ve tried asking the Tarot for guidance of what type of person I should be looking for and all I get is “Ill know when I see him”, which in some ways is as infuriating as it is reassuring. I’ve also spoken to some astrologer friends in looking for types by their zodiac signs. To be honest after all this I am as neurotic as I want to be right now.
Perhaps I have some more discoveries left before I can fully face the realities of where I need to be for a meaningful relationship to flourish.
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2 Replies to “Thoughts on Love”

  1. At least it seems like you are well under way towards more discoveries. I definetly recognice myself in parts of your story, I too have attracted "the wrong" type of people as partners and friends earlier and even quite recently into my life. It is easy to go hermit facing destructive relationships, maybe even a natural reaction, but in the long term that too is not healhy. Thanks for the honest and insightful post. Bless,

  2. Many thanks for your kind words Suecae! Some friends who haven't commented have pointed how how sombre and melancholy this entry is and to be honest it is but I'm in such a better place now that I can CHOOSE whether to go from here.

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